I've found a friend who died for me

Was at the school NCC notice board, and i saw that all 5 of my men who were under me for the NCC selection got in! I'm so proud! Not just of myself but for those 5 as well. I can still remember their names. What's more, 1 of them is a catholic! XMZX recruitment is coming up! The only problem is, in his full name, i don't know his chinese name! But that can be settled.

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Training tomorrow in my camo uniform. After that would be Lian He Hui Yi in St Stephen. So Ian and i are going to wear our camo uniform to meeting. =P

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You know, the more i think of it, the more i'm afraid. You see, there's this rumour that after you go through NCC Specialist course, you'll change and apparently, become a bastard. And i don't want to become a bastard. As if i'm not bad enough, i could be worse. So i do hope, that people will still like me even if i do become worse. I might be harsh during training, but hopefully i won't outside of training.

Evening mass today at IHM. Father Joe J. Mass was about repentance and i realised many things. I have been sinning too much, and i should wish to change. If you wish to change, now is the right time. Because when you get old, it would be too late to change, you wouldn't have lived your life meaningfully. I shall repent. And with that i do hope, that nobody will think of me as an ignorant and selfish person, but a person who cares.

I am not a selfish, childish and ignorant person just because others think of me that way. I am more than that. It's just that i'm different, but nobody seems to see that.

Want to know what True Romantic Love is? Take a look at Abigail and Nicholas Tan. That was what i wanted, i was jealous. I wanted that kind of love for myself. That's why i turned desperate. It's just wrong now. It's not my time yet. God will know when it is, like He did for those 2. You think it was pure Luck/Coincidence they bumped into each other during the Raffia String thing during JXY '08? I tell you that you are WRONG. Think again, it was God doing that. And they listened to God's calling and loved each other. So much love that it could last a lifetime. So much love that everyone could see that it could last a lifetime. It's just a matter of wanting it. And they do want it. So it forms the great, amazing love you see in between them.

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I shall list out and repent my sins, just as my mother said she would:

For not praying often
For being selfish
For being indecent
For blaming others
For being desperate
For not cherishing what i should be cherishing
For turning love into hate
For giving "eye power" when i should be helping
For questioning God on my Faith
For trying to be big and thinking that i'm helping
For causing so much trouble within the Legion of Mary
For being rude to everyone
For loving for the wrong reason
For giving no time for God
For not thanking God in anything i've done well in
For nearly throwing away and giving up my Faith
For lying to my friends and family
For being uncaring towards other's needs and not helping them out
For being unfriendly toward people whose attitudes i do not really like

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"Lord, i pray to you that i would be a person who loves and cares for others and not about myself. I pray that there would not be anybody who'd think of me wrongly."

I realise that no matter how much i criticise someone, i am not that perfect either. As i critcise someone, someone else is criticising me. Nobody is perfect. I thought myself perfect, and i thought i was always right. It does not work that way.

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To love is to serve, but have i served the Lord? No, not much at the very least. I took his love for granted. I took everybody's love for granted.

Before mass, my mother pointed to a woman holding a child. The child was hugging the mother and she was patting him. My mum then said, "you know, when you were young, you were like that child. Small, bald and cute. You always wanted hugs and patting from me." Right there and then, i found out what True Love means. This is my mother, caring for me, protecting me. No matter how many times she scolds me, she still loves me. The sight alone can bring forth a genuine smile, it can bring so much joy, so much happiness, yet so much regrets to me. I would never forget that sight. I know love when i see one. And that, is the most beautiful sight i've ever and will ever see.

Love, Cherish.

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Mass today, God gave me a sign. More than one, actually.

Signs:
Sight of mother caring for her child
My conscience feeling sorrowful and regretful after mass
My heart telling me to blog this post

3 is a lot. Luck or coincidence don't cut it. It HAS to be God, giving me the signs. Especially the first.

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Change now, it's not too late yet.
Life is too short.

I should go for confession soon. Maybe tomorrow, if i go to mass for a second time. Yes, i do feel like going for mass a second time.

Ice cream tomorrow! Trying desperately to try to come up with a plan to cut cost.

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The more i think about it, it's kinda true. During my Grandfather's wake, a friend of my father's/my Grandfather's tennis student told us: Actually, the meaning of life is LOVE. I realised, LOVE is not the only factor, but FAITH as well. I do hope, that i and everyone else live the rest of their lives meaningfully...

Remember, LOVE and FAITH...

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Saw a few men in white holding a man in black. Think they were loan sharks or something. I hope someone reported to the police already...

Grandfather's funeral today. Had a meaningful Funeral Mass, and then to the Cremation place. A sad sad farewell. Before the doors closed behind the coffin, i heard a shout, "Bye bye, Anthony!" It was really sad, but somehow, i didn't cry. Even worse, the pain was little. I really wanted to cry, but i just couldn't. But anyway, my main reason for blogging this (possibly my LAST) post, is to say this:

On behalf of my family, we would like to thank the Legion of Mary and everyone else who prayed for using their precious time to visit and pray for my Gradnfather. We really appreciate everything you have done. He's now in a better place, and will watch over all of us. Thank you, once again.

AT LEAST, HE MANAGED TO SPEND HIS LAST CHRISTMAS WITH HIS DEAR FAMILY WHO LOVES HIM AND MISSES HIM SO.

Today, first day of school. Woke up at, what, 5.45am? Yeah, Grandmother was up, i don't know why. Ate breakfast, talked with her, got dressed and left. Missed one bus with Teoh Yong to wait for Justin. New marist's mum came to ask if 153 goes to Maris Stella. Directed her, buses 100, 135, 155. 158 too, but told her it was a bad idea because of the traffic jam. Justin still wasn't there so we pang-seh him. =) Reached school, felt kinda weird yet kinda awesome wearing long pants. Saw Nic Tan, (TRIED TO) suan him ~~like shit~~. Went to 3E to see Caius, he was wearing shorts. Morning assembly, Kwok still remained the same. Administrative stuff in class (i got promoted from index number 25 to 19!) and then a surprisingly fast 1 hour 15 minute welcoming ceremony in the school hall. Went to change to Camo Uniform. For my platoon(Part C!), 21 men out of 24 showed up. Not bad, really. Did some drills. ~~Sang~~ SCREAMED count-by-my-left-foot cheer on Henta-Kaki, since i was timer. Spurred my platoon on to screaming the cheer. Impressed the seniors and juniors. Got some praises. Did 50 push-ups in one shot. Arms hurt. Still hurts. Will hurt for the next few days as well, i guess. As if it's not enough. PT was the killer. But it was fun, somehow. Really. You get the adrenaline rush. Went home, do not wish to go into details. =)

So far, 2009 sucks for me.

AT LEAST, HE MANAGED TO SPEND HIS LAST CHRISTMAS WITH HIS DEAR FAMILY WHO LOVES HIM AND MISSES HIM SO.

Sorry.